Nicole’s boyfriend surprised her last week and told her that he had booked a room at ski cabin for the next night so that they could get away and have some alone time. While you’d think this romantic and spontaneous moment would be met with “awww” and “I love you,” Nicole was actually a little annoyed at first. She had already made plans to hang out with a friend she hasn’t seen since college, grab dinner with other friends after that, and then go to another friends birthday brunch the day after.
She appreciated the gesture and thought it was sweet, it ended up being kind of an inconvenience because now she had to cancel all her plans, explain it to her friends, and figure out a way to reschedule everything. Rich said this is because we all have the wrong idea about spontaneity. Every time a woman is asked what she wants in a man one of the characteristics is “to be spontaneous.”
The reality is spontaneity is only fun for the person planning, and that everything should really be planned and discussed at least once. For the person being surprised it’s an inconvenience and annoying. It means canceled plans, rescheduling, annoyed friends and even putting out fires with the friends or family who will think you made this up to get out of the plans. Are you a fan of spontaneity or do you hate being surprised with plans? What is your definition of being spontaneous in a relationship?
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Her boyfriend could have just asked her to keep her weekend open. It would have intrigued her and she still would have been surprised.
Being spontaneous is great…..in theory. I think it is just something that Hollywood has ruined because girls develop unrealistic expectations from romantic movies they watch. “Aww, I wanna do that *slap* why dont you do that for me!?” Type scenario. In reality, life isnt scripted! This makes being spontaneous is a chore for all involved.
I know with my girlfriend when I want to plan something and surprise her I have to at least tell her to keep her weekend open or a day or whatever it may be. She always has a very full schedule and we have been burned when early on in the relationship I would just surprise her and then I had to eat the cost of the tickets cuz she surprised me with the fact that she was too busy to do whatever it might have been.
I think it’s great. My Husband and I have been married since I was 17. 10 yrs and 2 kids later I will drop it all if or when he says hes taking me out! It keeps us going and we need that time together. So FOR US it works and I am always grateful..friends and family should understand..and usually he will talk to a couple of my friends so they avoid making plans with me and my weekend or day is free. If your giving him a hard time about it now he may never do it again and you might eventually want him too. My husband has gone as far as getting a friend to stay with my kids the entire weekend and talked to my boss at work so we could stay at a BEAUTIFUL hotel and go out to eat , watch movies, alone time, and to sleep..and we were only 4 miles from our house..it was our mini getaway!( My son was 5 and daughter was 4 months.)
I am all for spontaneity but my husband on the other hand has to plan everything and yes, even that. He is the most organized person I know. I tell him all the time to just go with the flow but he just can’t do it. From vacations to going to the grocery, he has to have everything planned out. He cannot stand when I handle something and will not give him the details. He wants to know when & what we are doing. Not me! Just throw it at me and I am ready. I guess that is why we have been married for 20 years, we balance each other out.
I agree with everything Nicole said, it’s great being spontaneous but communicate with your soul-mate.
Thoughtful spontaneity is wonderful. In Nicole’s situation, if her boyfriend knew she had plans prior to planning this trip, that’s not good. My boyfriend planned a winter cabin get-away for my birthday and I almost had to cancel due to work commitments. The conflict could have been avoided if he would have just said “I have a great b-day weekend planned, please make sure you leave it open.” I would have still been surprised because I didn’t know where we were going and would have been able to avoid work conflicts from the get-go.