This week’s Ask-A-Brutha comes from Brandon in California:
This is a really sensitive question and I know I’m probably going to piss off a lot of girls with this, including Nicole. My girlfriend gained some weight over the past couple months. Not a HUGE amount but probably like 15 to 20 pounds, or so, and it’s noticeable. I know it sounds horrible, but I’m not as attracted to her as I was before. I still love her, but I just don’t get as turned on by her. Is it OK to ask her to lose some weight? If it is, how do I do it?
What was Stan’s advice? Don’t tell her to lose weight if you want to keep your relationship. Invite her to do active things with you, even just walking. Invite her to go to the gym with you, and other physical activities (maybe biking), this way she can start warming up to exercise.
Ryan added that if you’re taking her out to eat, ordering in, or cooking, make sure the meals are healthy so you don’t contribute to your own problem. Ryan’s lots over 100 pounds, so he’s a strong source.
Rich Davis always takes the tough love route. He suggested you buy her an article of clothing that was a size that used to fit her, and when she tries it on she’ll realize what has happened. You can also show her old vacation pictures where she was in a bikini, looking like a hottie, and suggest taking another vacation. If she wants to go on a nice vacation she’ll definitely want to diet before she hits the beach!
You have three different pieces of advice, from three different people. Do you agree with Stan, Ryan or Rich? Do you have something to add? Has this happened to you? Share your experience, or thoughts, below.
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Can I say all three? I think they are all good ideas. I myself have gained weight since I have been with my boyfriend. Well I have always had the up and down weight issue. I notice before my boyfriend does and freak out more than he does. I don’t like looking at myself when I gain weight so it makes sense on the whole idea of being less attracted to your partner when they gain weight. It is a touchy subject but one that needs to be addressed for sure. If you arent as attracted that is when problems start. Take care and good luck.
She knows! There is no need to say anything. I agree with Ryan. Make sure when y’all do the grocery shopping you don’t put things in the basket that will contribute to her weight gain. Don’t buy her clothes in the size she use to wear. If anything buy her something that would fit now.
She already knows she’s gained weight. It’s not a miraculous discovery on Brandon’s part. I think all 3 have good points. Stan’s right by asking her do active things that will help get in that extra exercise she may not be getting. Now that the weather is starting to warm up, going for walks at night is a good way to burn a few calories.
) by showing her some pictures of an older beach vacation and suggesting another one this summer or finding a picture of a dress or jeans that used to fit just right and saying how much you loved seeing her in it and asking her when she’s going to wear it again, that may help spark her interest in losing weight.
Ryan also has a great point, if you’re always taking her out to eat or buying junk food, you’re contributing to the issue at hand. Buy healthy food and make healthy meals for her. Offering to cook will help you in 2 ways: Score points for being adorable and help slim down.
Rich also has a good point (hey, everyone’s gotta have at least one good one in their life time
Or you can always buy her some gift cards to Victoria’s Secret. That’s always a sure fire way to make a girl a little self conscious!
What happened to unconditional love, I mean do ya love her, or just the way she looks?
Any way’s Ryan and Stan have good advice. Rich shame on you… Weight is such an issue in many women’s lives, we don’t need men telling us about it. It’s pretty much an everyday struggle for some. I think the idea of getting her more active is great. All women should be more active. Cycling is great. That’s what my husband and I do together. He golf’s, I shop. I hate golf, he hates shopping, so we cycle together and love doing events. Also, you can help her by not eating bad snacks in front of her, don’t encourage late night dinners in or out and try staying away from fast food of all sorts. Drinking more water helps too.
Good Luck to ya.
Just recently I had to face the music with this problem with my wife. I had always not wanted to be offensive by saying it outright, but rather drop subtle hints like passing up on dessert myself under the claim that “I’m watching my weight”. I’ve also been informing her of my daily jogging and exercise routines in the hope that she’d take a hint and start some dieting and exercise too. Then one day about two weeks ago she confronted me, that I seemed to be not attracted to her anymore.
I just came out and told her it’s because she’s fat and not making any effort to control her weight. I guess you call it tough love, but I was speaking the truth, and more importantly, she realizes it’s the truth. I did however reassure her that I loved her regardless.
The result: she has been exercising daily and making an effort since.
Sometimes the truth may be hurtful, but it’s always better to be truthful and risk a potentially hurtful situation (which will pass), than to allow a problem to get worse without being honest with your partner.
I’m sure she already knows she’s gained weight. I’m the same boat as her, but both my husband and I have gained weight since we got married. Nothing crazy, just a little “love weight”. I think the more important thing is HER being happy… me and my husband both want to lose the weight, so we do things to help each other do that. But if the girl hasn’t expressed any unhappiness with her weight gain, then I’d say leave her alone. You need to learn to be attracted to her regardless of those 15-20 pounds, and if you’re not — then I don’t think your love for her in really that sincere.
a few months ago, my boyfriend actually told me that he didn.t find me as attractive as he used to. it hurt. but you know what? it gave me the motivation that i needed to make changes to be healthier. and now? i look better than i did when we met. i am making the changes and they are permanent. i never want him to have to say that he doesn.t find me as attractive as i used to be. my advice is to tell her. if you don.t, then you don.t give her the chance to work on it and you also risk losing interest in her altogether.
Take her on a beach holiday! I have to agree with Rich. The vacation/bikini combo always works wonders for my waist line. But you should mention it to her in any event that you notice that she has “packed on a few”. It is easier to deal with at 15-20 than 30-40 that it may turn into if you don’t tell her. Whatever you do…… don’t tell her you are less attracted to her! That is a death sentence for you! Love chub is a very sensitive issue. Good Luck!
I 100% agree with the tough love, you have to have someone in your life that will tell you things like that. If you don’t like it, do something about it. If you cant be honest with your other half about things that bother you, then whats the point? People need to stop being so freakin’ sensitive and just deal with it!
I would rather my boyfriend be really honest with me. Yes, it will hurt my feelings. Yes, it will offend me but it’s tough love. I don’t like the sugarcoat bullshit. Over the past 5.5 years that I’ve been with my boyfriend, I KNEW I was gaining weight but didn’t want to admit it. My boyfriend had pointed out that I had put on some extra weight (which he thought was good because he said I needed it) but I started to gain a bit too much. I went from 98 lbs to about 125 lbs. (YIKES!) So my boyfriend took me out clothes shopping and got me regular size pants that I normally wear. After STRUGGLING to put them on so I tried another size. I went up TWO pant sizes and realized it myself that I couldn’t let myself go anymore like that. After that, I had made a goal to go back to the gym and change up my eating portions. It’s a start but hey, it worked.
I think he should dump her fat as*. Sure, it’s going to hurt at first but I think in the long run, when she meets and falls in love with someone who isn’t a superficial as*hole, she’ll thank him for it.
I agree with Stan all the way!!!
She knows she has put on weight she isn’t stupid, she doesn’t need you to tell her. As a matter of fact she probably even knows you aren’t as attracted to her. Break up with her or give her the support she needs to come around on her own. Any weight loss, even small, needs to be for her not for you.